Exactly 3 months ago today I started speaking again after 31 days in silence, and I still feel the echoes every day. For me, this is where the gold lies in relation to these retreats – the continued sense of presence that is cultivated during and after the retreat, not the so-called spiritual peak experiences. 

Peak spiritual experiences

A peak spiritual experience or mystical experience is a moment of expanded consciousness where we perceive differently. The senses may still be active, yet our perception of the world and the whole universe, others and ourselves included, is different.

These experiences can be very valuable as they reveal to us the truth that all the mystics speak about – the inherent Oneness of all existence. Having such an experience can support an inner sense of meaning and purpose and inspire us to continue on the spiritual path, but it is not enough for long term spiritual transformation. 

I confess that before last year’s 59 day retreat I longed for peak experiences myself. In my search for teachings and practices that lessen suffering and support the evolution of the soul I drank Ayahuasca with tribes from the Amazon, smoked Bufo and received Kambo from Shamans in Mexico and I sat in countless Temazcales with abuelas from Mexico, all in the hope of transcending the part of me that is self-centered and selfish in its core – the ego. While I did experience exalted states of consciousness and even some moments of Universal Love and pure bliss, I found myself returning to old thinking patterns and ways of being within weeks, sometimes days. 

It was actually during a Bufo ceremony that I first felt called to practice silence, that was 8 years ago. In my 1st 10 day silent retreat I was blessed with a profound moment of oneness, and while it was only brief I was excited to discover that meditation could indeed lead to such revelations. Unsurprisingly, a desire for more such experiences developed and I found myself yearning for another one of these in the 17 day retreat and with high expectations for the 49 day retreat. 

My very wanting was the main obstacle in experiencing them of course, as wanting comes from the ego. This year was different, I learnt from last year that the preciousness of these retreats is in the longer term transformation of the soul rather than the punctual intense moments of bliss. 

The risk of peak experiences

In my experience, these ‘peak experiences’ can even have the opposite effect of what the spiritual path is truly about if not integrated properly. Regardless of the lineage or the practice, the aim of an authentic spiritual path should be the dissolution of the limited self, the ego. This in turn results in a natural selflessness and an innate compassion for others. Whenever we hear of great saints, no matter what part of the earth they walked on, they are all stories of men and women who were humble and generous beings who shared teachings, helped people, giving freely without concern for themselves. Jesus, Ramana Maharshi, Mother Teresa, Lao Tzu, Buddha and so on are just a few examples.

The reason I say these peak experiences can be problematic is because I’ve experienced an exalted sense of self-importance following a medicine journey where I interpreted my experience as something special about me, rather than recognising that the state of bliss is simply a moment of revelation of who we All are in our core, Universal Love. I do not blame the guide, the medicine nor the path. I believe medicine can be very supportive in our awakening, just as fasting and many other practices can help reveal the Truth, but integration is crucial and lack of guidance can lead to confusion.    

Silence and Solitude as medicine

Silence, solitude and meditation feel different for me. Meditation is by nature a practice that makes us more aware of the egoic mind. In silence there are so few distractions that things that we may have been able to ignore or repress become obvious.

We see our limited self naked, as it is, with its desire to be special, its longing for validation and recognition – things that are fleeting and do not in the long term contribute to the dissolution of the ego. But I am happy to say that the difficulty of facing ourselves is not in vain. 

For the purpose of clarity I’ll share a brief explanation of the format of this year’s retreat before elaborating on the deeper insights I experienced during the retreat.

Structure  

Since I wasn’t able to attend the 49 day retreat organised by Hridaya this year due to other commitments, I decided to organise my own retreat. Last year we were a group of 13 participants and we started with the 10 day silent retreat at the centre in Mazunte, we then spent 39 days in solitude at Refugio Terraza de la Tierra in San Jose del Pacifico and then we returned to Mazunte with the option to join the last 10 days of the 17 day retreat, which I did. 

Doing the solitude part of the retreat on my own, pardon the redundancy, was an added challenge and a blessing. Though last year in solitude we each had our separate cabins and we were not supposed to make eye contact on the rare occasions we crossed paths when walking in the forest, I knew that there were 12 other souls sharing the journey. The uplifting energy of doing something in a group, even when we are not communicating is real and I felt it. 

The blessing was precisely the added challenge. The practice of solitude invites us to let go of everything, at least for some time, and not being part of a group added to the feeling of being completely alone, which didn’t feel lonely (most of the time).

Another interesting aspect was that while last year I handed my phone on the 1st day of the retreat as requested by the retreat administrator, this year I went by myself. I had my phone all along and in difficult moments, missing my loved ones, I would think I could just walk up the stairs to the restaurant and ask for the WiFi, which I never truly considered doing of course, but it felt like more self-discipline was required. This also meant I was able to take photos on the day I arrived and the day I left solitude as I chose to turn my phone on but keep it on airplane mode.

Padam padam – step by step

At times the journey feels like progress is slow.

I have been meditating for over a decade yet the extended moments of mental void and dissolution of self remain something I experience on rare occasions, often during longer meditations. 

Now I meditate 1 hour every day and this year I experienced my longest meditation to date – 4 hours. I don’t share this to show off but for anyone who may be starting on their journey and thinking they couldn’t imagine practicing a 1 hour meditation. But this is irrelevant if there is no real transformation.  

I got a glimpse of this deeper transformation I am referring to here in a moment of hardship. While 20 days of solitude didn’t seem that long compared to the 39 days of the previous year, it was still difficult at times. I missed my boyfriend, worried he may get fed up of me going away to be in silence, I wondered about becoming a mother one day and faced the reality that the chances become slimmer every year, I worried about my parents’ health, about the environment and the war in Palestine to name just a couple of the things that troubled me when I wasn’t able to rest in the beauty of pure being. 

On one of these occasions I mentally thought ‘God please release…’ and before I could complete the sentence how I would always have in the past ‘…me of my suffering’, the words ‘…those who suffer more than me from suffering’ seemed to be whispered from deeper within me. This may seem like something trivial but to me it was a precious moment. THIS is the only real purpose of all my efforts on this path, so I was overjoyed by this glimpse of true selflessness. My pain didn’t dissolve instantly but it seemed a little insignificant when considering how much suffering there is on Earth.

There were many moments that revealed to me internal shifts but I’ll mention just a few to keep this article shorted than a book.

No light, no problem

This year I decided to book the same simple cabin I was assigned last year. This cabin is at the entrance of the forest and doesn’t have electricity. Once the sun set, I would light the 3 candles I had, which was enough to light up the whole space and most evenings I made a small fire to keep warm and for ‘company’. 

The old school AA battery lamp torch I used last year broke and I couldn’t find another one so I bought a rechargeable lamp torch which said it had 12 hours of battery life. I thought it would be plenty enough as I mostly used the candles, but half way through the solitude the battery ran out. This was during the new moon meaning I had no other light than the candles if I got up to pee in the night. I considered going up to the restaurant and writing a note to whoever was at reception to ask if I could charge my lamp and pick it up later but I didn’t.

This may seem like something minor to someone who has never been scared of the dark but if you had asked me 10 years ago if I would stay in a cabin without electricity at the entrance of a forest alone, without a lamp torch and just a couple of candles, I think I would have said absolutely not. 

Stories of people overcoming phobias and more minor fears through meditation are not uncommon since the expansion of consciousness helps us realise that our fears are often unconscious and unfounded.

The Mountain bathhouse dilemma and desire

Something else that was considerably different this year was the fact that I was the only guest practicing mauna (noble silence). Last year we were delivered toilet paper, candles and water every few days, as well as 2 meals a day. This year I didn’t ask about this when I checked in, assuming that everything would be the same as the previous year but on the 3rd day I realised that I was wrong. I considered leaving a note on my meal tray asking for more water and candles but I decided to go up to the reception instead and hand the note to someone there. When I arrived no one was there so I waited around the restaurant area. The wait was long enough that I started to look around and a beautiful flyer caught my eye, it said ‘Mountain Bath House Experience’. 

The flyer showed pictures of what looked like a natural spa paradise with a sauna and cold plunge, plants and salts – the dream, and it was only 500 pesos = $25usd and it was on site! One of the workers showed up so I gave them my note that said ‘3 velas por favor’ (3 candles please) and once they gave them to me and I awkwardly tried to express my gratitude without speaking or making eye contact, I walked back to my cabin, but the seed of desire had been planted, I wanted to do the Mountain Bath House experience. 

That afternoon my meditation consisted of a list of reasons why I should do it and another of why I shouldn’t. The pros list was mostly that it was cold outside and the sauna sounded lovely, plus I would still be alone in there so it wasn’t breaking the rules, rules that I made for myself since the retreat was self-guided. In the cons list was the fact that this was a sort of distraction, a luxury that I didn’t need, plus I didn’t go there to treat myself but to renounce comforts that detract me from the ever presence of the divine. 

I went to sleep thinking perhaps I’d treat myself to the Mountain Bath House experience on the last day of the solitude part of the retreat, before making my way to Mazunte for the last 10 days. I liked that idea but the next day when I caught myself thinking about it again I recognised that this was simply one of the 5 hindrances the Buddha spoke of – desire. Before I knew about the experience I didn’t crave it, but once I saw the flyer my mind went back to it numerous times.

I decided to hold out on making a decision and as days passed the desire seemed to lose some of its power, but something unexpected totally nipped it in the bud. One day on my way into the forest to pick up twigs and pieces of wood to save on the wood that was provided to heat the shower and make the fire in the evening, I saw something that opened my eyes.

One of the workers was coming back from the forest with 2 donkeys who were carrying lots of wood. The donkeys and the man looked tired and I thought of the poor trees that had been chopped. All of a sudden it hit me, to light the sauna of the Mountain Bath House much wood would be needed. Last year and this year I thought of the trees every time I lit my fire in the evening and I tried to be conscious of how much wood I used. Once I realised this the desire was gone and it was a reminder of how desire is often unconscious. I of course did not do the experience and I didn’t crave it for the rest of the retreat, and I was able to leave a bigger tip for the workers who cooked and brought me every meal that I had for 20 days, which felt like a much better way to spend my money 🙂

So many more things happened in the little cabin at the entrance of the forest and in my soul, but I’ll save the stories for another time. For now I hope that this has given you a sense of why one may want to practice silence, if you weren’t already clear 🙂

Interested in silence?

If you are interested in practicing silence I wholeheartedly recommend Hridaya, both in Mazunte Mexico and in Longeval in France. For anyone interested in a gentle introduction to silence I will be offering a 3 day silent retreat in the UK at the end of September and a 7 day silent retreat in Panama in May next year – if you are interested in this keep an eye out on our website https://www.breathbodyearth.org/.

Thank you for reading and for your interest in this path.

Infinite gratitude to the teachers and karma yogis at Hridaya, all the spiritual teachers who have devoted their life to their own self-realisation and to helping others on their journey, and to the Spiritual Heart – the Great Mystery of Life.

May all beings be happy, may all beings be free of suffering.

With Love,

Melissa

Here is a zoom recording of a gathering I offered soon after coming back to share with those who were interested in hearing about the experience.