Exactly 1 week ago I came out of a 4 day and 4 night dark room retreat.

If you had told me just a few years ago that one day I would do something like this, I most probably would have bet with certainty that I would never do such a thing. Yet, here I am once again trying to put words to an experience that feels like it is beyond words.

As always I share from my personal experience with the intention of offering information that may be of use and inspiration to others on their journey. Please consider that dark room retreats require a steady meditation practice and should be practiced in a structure that offers guidance and support. I did the retreat at The Hermitage in Lake Atitlan which is a well established centre that I would highly recommend. 

Before the retreat

I find it so interesting how something that may seem impossible can gradually become something we would consider until one day it is something we feel a clear calling to do. 

This happened for me in regards to the dark room over a few years. When I first heard my beloved teacher Sahajananada speak about such a retreat I thought something along the lines of “What? Why? No Way!”. That was years ago, and the idea has been evolving in my awareness. A few weeks ago I found out that my dear friends were the new carers of this sanctuary, The Hermitage, at that moment I felt a clear YES. It felt like the decision had been made before I could think about it too much. 

Having said that I felt a little nervousness arise whenever I thought about booking the retreat. I even found myself procrastinating to make the payment and found my mind negotiating on why maybe I should postpone and do it at a later stage. By now I know from experience that this resistance I have encountered before committing to a deep journey is not something I want to empower. As soon as I had made the deposit the nervousness seemed to dissipate for the most part.

A couple of days after I told a dear sister I would be doing the retreat, she told me she’d read the Ts & Cs and was nervous and excited for me; funnily enough I hadn’t read them myself. To me this is a sign of how clear inner guidance can be. When there’s no doubt even when you don’t know all the details. Rest assured I did read the Ts & Cs before going into the dark room 😉

To tell or not to tell

I didn’t tell many people about this retreat prior to doing it, firstly because it wasn’t as long as past retreats I have done so it didn’t seem necessary to formally announce my ‘departure’ from the World. But also because I thought it may be best not to tell people so I wouldn’t have to hear about their fears while I was preparing myself for the journey into darkness, which did intimidate me when I thought about it. 

I did tell a few people and the responses I got varied between ‘Why do you torture yourself?’, ‘Good luck!’ and ‘How wonderful!’. 

I was a little concerned about telling my mum as I imagined she may worry about me and it’s the last thing I’d want of course. Surprisingly or perhaps unsurprisingly, she simply said “Oh interesting, it must require you to be very Zen, I’m sure you will be able to do it and it will be a nice rest for you.” Her faith in me gave me extra confidence that I could do it, though in truth I don’t think of it as something I did with my own personal will. As with other such journeys, like the longer solitude retreats I have done, I feel like it’s divine grace manifesting as inner will and all I can do is trust and surrender, which I am still learning. 

My favourite comment was from one of my beloved sisters who did a 4 night 3 day retreat herself last year who said:

You love yourself so much, you will be fine’.

I hadn’t considered it in that way but upon reflection it seemed like an accurate association. Indeed, I believe that a loving relationship with oneself is essential for such a journey. 

Structure

For the purpose of giving you a sense of how the retreats are organised I’ll offer some logistical details.

The recommendation for first timers is to start with the 4 nights and 3 days option, but the Hermitage offers up to 11 nights and 10 days. 

Going in: You arrive at the centre a couple of days before going into the dark room. You go in at sunset with your guide and a candle so you can familiarise yourself with the space, you put the candle out when you are ready. The door is locked from within so you can leave any time.

Meals: Meals are served through a little window that is opened on the outside and has a space in the middle just big enough for a plate. Meals come in at 11am and 5pm with a large thermos of herbal tea. 

Communication: There is paper and a pen in the room which can be used to write simple notes like ‘less food’ or ‘more food please’. The notes can be left on the plate which is returned in the food window.

Going out:  On the last morning a bell is rung outside the door at sunrise which signals that it is time to exit the room. You can ask to be supported, simply witnessed or left alone for this part of the retreat, I chose the latter.  You then have another couple of nights at the retreat centre for integration. 

The instructions are clear and simple, yet I managed to get confused. I was so focused on number 4 that I went in believing it was 4 full days which meant it would be 5 nights. Turns out I was wrong and on day 4 at breakfast time I was informed that I had missed the morning bell and I could stay till sunset or stay another night. 

I burst out laughing when I realised my mistake – ‘I’m late!” I said to myself still laughing. I was mentally prepared to stay another night and felt no rush, but once I had communicated with the outer world and discovered I was in fact already past my designated time, I felt excited to leave the dark room. That afternoon I experienced my most profound meditation so I am especially grateful that it all worked out how it did.

Guidance

I was blessed to be guided by someone I already knew, who I now consider a dear friend.

Planning to enter a dark room can bring up a lot, so the loving presence of someone in the days and hours leading up to the moment of entering can be very supportive. 

Upon my arrival, 24hrs before entering the dark room, I was shown to a perfect little room in front of a majestic tree. I loved staying in this space the night before and after my time in the little cave. A beautiful and delicious vegan dinner was brought to my room and I was very grateful for solitude and the silent support of my friends’ presence just a few minutes away from my cabin.

The day I would be going into the dark room I woke up feeling calm and excited. I decided to go for a walk in the sun, thinking I’d get a top up of Vitamin D and enjoy walking around while I could. I left without a phone or a watch and enjoyed the walk, enjoying the view of the Lake and the little details even more than usual, aware that I wouldn’t be seeing anything for 4 days.

I met with my guide in the yoga shala at 4pm, he explained some of the logistics and allowed time for me to ask questions. 

I didn’t have many questions which makes me laugh now that I realise I had gotten one of the basic details wrong – the total amount of nights hehe!!

Why?

“Until we have met the monsters in ourselves, we keep trying to slay them in the outer world. And we find that we cannot. For all darkness in the world stems from darkness in the heart. And it is there that we must do our work.” Marianne Williamson 

I saw this quote on The Hermitage website after coming out of the dark room, but I find it beautifully captures the reason why I believe in the importance of this journey.

If you have read my blog since I started writing it in 2016, you will notice a common thread between articles. Whilst the practices I have explored have varied from craneo-sacral therapy to the ingestion of substances, my intention hasn’t wavered. I aspired then and now more than ever to do what I can to lessen suffering on Earth. Indeed it sounds like an ambitious undertaking but on the path I have been inspired by so many who have walked on Earth before me, who have dedicated their life to this purpose and some have truly succeeded in their quest. Something transpires from these human beings – they didn’t shy away from difficulty.

I understand that to some, removing oneself from the world to help others may seem nonsensical at first, yet I believe more than ever that this path of self awareness and deep intimacy with Self is the only way to lessen suffering on Earth.

While I was in the dark room this felt more obvious than ever before. Every morning for the past few years I silently repeat a prayer to Tara the Goddess of compassion, before repeating the Tara mantra 108 times. The prayer says:

“Oh Tara, mother of all the buddhas and bodhisattvas, You who are full of wisdom and compassion bestow your mercy upon all human beings who are facing a difficult time of confusion, aggressiveness, war, fear and dismay.

Oh Tara, we beg You to deliver human beings from miseries, anger and hate and bless them with wisdom, love kindness and peace. Take away the burden of suffering in all forms and bless humanity with a compassionate Heart. Oh Tara bestow your grace upon humanity!”

When I repeat the prayer and the mantra I wish for suffering near and far to be lessened and for my heart to be filled with compassion for all. I believe in the power of prayer, especially when it is repeated regularly with intention but I also regard it as insufficient for real change to happen.

Insights

Before going in the dark room I read personal notes from past silent retreats and a passage from ‘I am That’ by Nisargadatta Maharaj. A few of these teachings and quotes gained even more meaning while I was in the dark room, like buoys at sea I treasured them and remembered them multiple times during those 4 days.

“Your mind can be a hell or a paradise and it is your responsibility to make it a paradise.” – Sahajananda

During a silent retreat my beloved teacher Sahajananda said the above and it struck me as a simple yet profound teaching. If we look at Global news, and even when we simply look around, the collective madness is evident. We fight one another, hurt Mother Earth and even ourselves with foods and substances that poison our body. This behaviour clearly reflects the inner turmoil that the majority of humanity experience. It is not enough to wish for the World to be different, we must take responsibility for our personal contribution. Whether we live with love and acceptance, generosity and service as our pillars or fear, judgement and selfishness makes a difference to the World. And of course, when we make our mind a paradise, we are naturally inclined to want to serve and help as much as we can.

‘If you want to change the world change yourself‘ seems to be the clear message from many great mystics.

Your mind is your responsibility – Sahajananda

Another profound teaching that refers to the fact that wherever you go there you are, or in other words we can be at the top of the mountain in a peaceful sanctuary, in the presence of a Great Master of non-duality, or in a dark room in this case, and still no one can quiet our mind for us, this task can only be done by ourselves through quiet perseverance.

‘Drop the stories’ – Sahajananda

One more of the many teachings from my beloved teacher that was helpful during my time in the dark room. For the most part I felt joyful and even touched my face multiple times to feel the smile on my face. However on the 4th day I came across some inner turmoil as my mind brought up memories from the past and worries about the future. It was so clear that nothing was happening in that very moment, the discomfort was all caused by my mind. Every time I could drop the stories, ease would return.

“Be a lamp unto yourself” Gautama Buddha

This is said to be one of the final things the Buddha said to his disciple Ananda when he asked him what to do when he would die. Whilst the teachings I could remember where very helpful in guiding me in the dark this seemed to be the biggest lesson.

What surprised me

How happy I was

I went in feeling mostly calm, trusting that the experience would be as it ought to be but I did imagine it may be rather difficult at times. Interestingly, the most intense moment for me was when I put the candle out on the first evening, about 1 hour after going in.

From that moment on I felt happy a lot of the time, smiling wide every time I opened my eyes and saw nothing at all, I even thought of my eyes and mouth being like windows that opened at the same time.

The giggles

I found myself giggling many times, enjoying a warm shower (which I don’t have at home), imagining myself like a little creature eating with my fingers in the dark and imagining my grandma asking me ‘mais qu’est-ce que tu fais?!’ (‘what are you doing?!’), amongst many other things that made me laugh. I also giggled when I came out of the dark room, before I cried of gratitude for my sight.

Memory and Spatial awareness

I was pretty impressed by my ability to remember where things were and were I left things. I only brought one pair of socks and one hair band for example and I would make a mental note of where I put them and would find them exactly where I thought they were when I reached out. While I couldn’t see with my eyes I felt like I developed a clear sense of the space. I did sometimes laugh when I realised I wasn’t where I thought I was at all and almost bumped my head or stumbled upon something.

A sense of freedom

I didn’t feel confined at any time, on the contrary I felt the vastness of my soul more than ever. 

As I already mentioned on the day I entered the room I went for a long walk, imagining I may feel like I wanted to be outside while I was in, but this didn’t come up at all. Last year during the 59 day silent retreat I intentionally stayed in my cabin for 10 days, I also did 10 days without looking at the time, and upon reflection I feel like this and as a matter of fact, Everything I had experienced until that moment prepared me for this journey in the dark.

Last words

There is so much more that I could say about the experience but I feel that the most important is included in this article.

Gratitude

Prayer for peace

Last but not least I share with you this prayer by St. Francis of Assisi that I repeat every morning, with the hope it may be of inspiration to more on their path.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.