Life is so full of surprises and this experience was definitely one of them. 

I took part in my 1st ever silent retreat in the summer of 2019, 7 years ago. I already had this blog but for some reason I didn’t write an article about it… as if I was waiting for this moment.

I still vividly remember my experience then. It felt like a breath of fresh air I’d been longing to take for too long. 

I also remember the 1st time I heard about 10 day silent retreats (vipassana to be precise), about 3 years prior to that. My response was ‘I could never do that!’. Yet, things changed, as they always do, and what once felt unimaginable for me became something that seemed to draw me in, whilst still intimidating me. 

How things change

I remember feeling quite nervous on my way to the retreat. I also remember meeting other participants who were travelling to Hridaya and some of them telling me they were going for 10 and even 17 days. I was curious about the 10 days but the 17 days seemed unfathomable. 

Having completed 59 days just last year I am amazed at how the same person, in this case me, can change so substantially, going from ‘I could never do that!’ to doing that x 6 within a decade. 

Then…

Going back to my experience of this 1st retreat 7 years ago,

I remember noticing that the silence wasn’t as silent as I would have imagined – in fact there were lots of sounds all the time and I enjoyed really listening to them.

I remember hearing the sound of the wind in the trees and thinking it was the first time I truly listened to this natural music. 

I  remember realising I had never really meditated until then. 

I also recall feeling frustrated that I couldn’t make my mind blank despite trying and trying as hard as I could. 

I remember thinking I may never do something like that again during a challenging moment haha!! 

I remember thinking food had never tasted so good.

I remember looking at the sky and wondering if it always looked as blue as in that moment.

Despite the challenging moments I experienced during my 1st silent retreat, I loved silence from the beginning.

I’m not known for being quiet and like many I was used to seeking distractions from sun up to sun down, so the thought of not having access to my phone, or music, not even books and not being able to communicate with others felt quite unnerving at the time. What I realise now is that I was mostly nervous about being with myself. 

There were many beautiful moments during the 3 days of silence, also some challenging ones, but I knew at the end of the retreat that I would be returning for the 10 day retreat.

And here I am, 7 years later, having attended 7 silent retreats, including 3 days, 10 days, 17 days, 6 days, 59 days, 31 days and now 3 days again and having guided 3 retreats myself, including 2 days, 3 days and 5 days and now preparing to guide my 4th silent retreat, a 3 day retreat in the UK end of Sep. 

It’s beautiful to reflect on how different yet similar my experience was this time around.

Same same but different

To my surprise I felt a little nervous preparing to go to this retreat. Partly because I invited my brother to do the retreat with me and I knew this was out of his comfort zone on multiple levels, including the fact that he had only practiced yoga once with me and hadn’t meditated many times beforehand. 

Also because I had left my boyfriend at home with my parents and I had a sense of guilt about that. 

But I also recognised a familiar resistance in myself, that tends to manifest as a desire to ‘be in the World’ rather than retire and focus my awareness within. I smiled at this because I now know that this often dissimulates a fear around what I might find ‘there’ – within myself. 

In my experience it’s easier to live unconsciously than to continuously see the ways in which we cause ourselves and others suffering, and meditation and silence can really highlight our shortcomings. 

Having said that, the aim is not to simply become aware of how inadequate and bad we are, but to cultivate compassion for ourselves and practice being present so we can interrupt our usually very ingrained patterns etc. 

So when we were asked our personal intention at the beginning of the retreat I went with Openness. 

The difference

Well, I am happy to say that this retreat felt very easeful. 

The meditations felt peaceful for the most part. Even when there were many thoughts I didn’t strive to control my mind, I aspired to rest in the spaces between them and eventually the mind would become quieter.

I didn’t feel the physical discomfort I experienced during my 1st few retreats. While my body is 7 years older it feels so much more comfortable during long sits – the old tensions have dissipated. 

During the 1st retreat I couldn’t feel the Spiritual Heart, this time I felt it fully alive since the beginning, I’m often aware of it in daily life. 

I could hear nada, the sound of silence, I often hear it when it’s quiet, whilst the 1st time I did the 10 days I couldn’t hear it until about the 7th day.

This time I didn’t think about my phone or social media, the 1st time I felt I could not wait to connect to WiFi to see what I had missed.

During my 1st retreat I had 3 meals a day and often went for seconds, whilst this time I had 2 meals plus a little evening snack and I didn’t feel hungry at all. 

And on the 3rd day out of nowhere anxiety made its appearance. I feel that I am incomparably less anxious than I used to be, before I started meditating and practicing silence, yet anxiety still visits me every so often. 

I can’t say I was pleased to feel the discomfort that comes with disquiet but I tried my best to welcome it in, as I tell others to do hehe! And I did, I even wrote in my diary ‘Well Hello old friend…’ and interestingly that afternoon I had the deepest meditation of the retreat, the anguish dissipated and once again I was reminded that everything passes – a lesson I continue to learn and integrate. 

Insights

A gift for you for me

On the 1st day of the retreat I realised that whilst I had invited my brother to the retreat as a gift for him, it was also a gift for me. This was funny to me as I had been really focused on how good it could be for him and almost forgot how much I love to be in silence myself hehe!!

Need for rest

Since arriving in Europe I’ve been trying my best to spend quality time with my mum and my dad and my godson and my boyfriend while trying to maintain a daily practice and on the 1st day of the retreat during the afternoon break I lay down and slept for 1h30min, which I was amazed by. I hadn’t felt particularly tired during the past month but it was like having the space to rest allowed me to feel how tired I was and it felt so good to nap 🙂

The blessing of being guided

As a teacher myself I value being a student as well and while I had heard the teachings of the 3 day silent retreat 6 times, as they are consistently the same for each retreat, I loved hearing them again from the two wonderful teachers we had Louis and Cha who guided the retreat authentically. During the retreat I felt very grateful that I have the opportunity of guiding silent retreats and extra inspired for future retreats. 

Sharing the journey with my brother

When I invited him I knew it wouldn’t be an easy journey for him but I also trusted it would be a good experience and I was so happy to look into his eyes as soon as we finished the 3rd OM to conclude mauna (noble silence).

I ran over to him on the men’s side and we hugged and cried a little. I felt his heart so close and I know sharing the experience brought us closer than words can express.

I wasn’t attached to him ever wanting to do another retreat but since finishing he mentioned a few times the possibility of doing the 10 day retreat next year, which I am obviously very excited about 🙂

I especially loved hearing all his insights on our day long return home. If you would like to know more about his insights you’d have to talk with him as unlike me he doesn’t like writing blogs about his life experiences hehe!

Upcoming silent offerings

3 Day Silent Retreat, 25th-29th The Croft Farm Escape, UK – a gentle introduction to silence

4-7 Day Silent Retreat May 2026 Solarte Eco Lodge, Panama – going deeper

3 Day Silent Retreat, Sep UK – a gentle introduction to silence

Gratitude

Deep gratitude for the teachers at Hridaya, for Sahajananda the founder and our beloved guide, to the karma yogis and to all the enlightened beings who have walked this Earth and dedicated their life to lessen suffering on Earth and to The Spiritual Heart for All.

Thank you for reading,

With Love,

Melissa