It has been 9 months and a week since I completed my 1st long silent retreat 9th Feb – 7th April 2024.

If you are curious about that experience you can read the blog article I wrote about it here: 59 Day Silent Retreat.

While I was in solitude last time I had some very challenging moments that led me to write in my journal: “I don’t think I’ll ever do this again.” However, here I am, a few days away from starting another long silent retreat. ‘Only’ 31 days this time with 20 days of solitude, 1 day of transit and 10 days with my beloved teacher Sahajananda at Hridaya in Mazunte. 

Why?

This is the most common question people ask – WHY? So I decided to answer it here for those who are curious.

Although the last retreat was surprisingly difficult at times, I also experienced unparalleled joy and gratitude and I walked away feeling grounded, clear minded and so full of love and compassion. 

“Swim peacefully through clear waters of solitude, illuminated by the sunlight of Truth. Then you can return compassionately to the denser, more obscure realms of social responsibility, without becoming disoriented by them.” –Ramakrishna

I find that this quote by Hindu mystic Ramakrishna beautifully expresses the purpose of solitude. Indeed when returning to daily life after the retreat, I experienced a deeper sense of compassion than ever before, which still lingers almost a year later. 

As I have expressed in previous blog articles, I feel a deep calling to try my best to alleviate suffering on earth, at the very least in my little part of the world. Whilst dedicating the last decade to exploring different spiritual paths and their practices, I found that silence and meditation provide profound transformation for those who partake in it. 

How does it work?

What many Eastern teachers emphasize is how we tend to cause suffering to ourselves and others, including animals and the Earth, through our own unconsciousness. As Eckhart Tolle who synthesizes these teachings simply explains, the egoic mind is always striving for survival by creating separation, protecting itself, accumulating more, making others wrong and generally causing harm in the process. 

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular.” – Carl Jung 

Indeed these practices are not immediately satisfactory which is why they are not very sought-after. In fact, I find it interesting how most people react upon hearing about these retreats. As mentioned in my blog article about my 1st 10 day silent retreat, when I first heard about Vipassana I said ‘I could never do that’, so I understand this reaction, but now that I have discovered the joy of self-awareness I can only encourage those I love to try it for themselves. 

“Try Solitude… Solitude is the furnace of transformation. Without solitude we remain victims of our society and continue to be entangled in the illusions of the false self.” – Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Way of the Heart

What makes silent meditation retreats so transformative is that we find ourselves face to face with our limited self, the ego. While this process can be very uncomfortable, it is essential on our journey if we want to evolve. Most of us are a little deluded so first we must see ourselves as we are, rather than how we would like to be, accept all the parts and recognise that while they are aspects of our personality, they are not who we truly are. 

“Solitude is the garden for our hearts, which yearn for love. It is the home for our restless bodies and anxious minds. Solitude, whether it is connected with a physical space or not, is essential for our spiritual lives. It is not an easy place to be, since we are so insecure and fearful that we are easily distracted by whatever promises immediate satisfaction. Solitude is not immediately satisfying, because in solitude we meet our demons, our addictions, our feelings of lust and anger, and our immense need for recognition and approval. But if we do not run away, we will meet there also the One who says, “Do not be afraid. I am with you, and I will guide you through the valley of darkness.” –Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey

Nowen also speaks of the challenges we may encounter when faced with ourselves but he adds that when we persist in our endeavors we will meet “the One who will guide us through the valley of darkness”. 

Seek out places that are free from distraction, and solitary. Do not be afraid of the noises you may hear. (…) Endure fearlessly, and you will see the great things of God (…) –St. Evagrios the Solitary, The Philokalia, Vol. I

For a long time I disliked the word God as I associated it with a judgemental bearded man sitting on a throne in the sky, which I felt had nothing to do with true spirituality. I now use this word as it no longer carries these connotation for me but I am aware that it is still tainted for many so I will use the word Supreme Consciousness instead. 

My time in solitude last year made the omnipresence of the Supreme Consciousness all around me and within me so very clear. Without music I realised that the universe is always singing in different ways, through bird songs or the rustling of the wind in the leaves. Without my lover or my friends I didn’t feel lonely. Without all the things that I thought brought me happiness I experienced so much joy that led me to realise that this joy didn’t come from outside but from within – as all the great mystics say.

During my journey alone I also had the time to contemplate the impermanence of everything, my body, the people I love, my possessions, my most precious memories… All of it will be gone one day and while some may say this is a depressing thought, I’d reply it’s simply the truth and reflecting on it can lead us to make wiser decisions as to what we give value to while we are alive.

Contemplating death

This seems to be a shared experience which I find interesting as it is totally irrational.  In fact the risk of death is probably considerably lower when one is living in seclusion doing little other than meditating. 

Yet, the process of leaving one’s home for some time and saying farewell to the people we love contributes to the serious feeling that precedes the departure, or at least it did for me last year and again this time. Both times I found myself wanting to tie loose ends and make sure I did the things I said I would do. 

The fear of loved ones dying was also very present for me last year during the retreat and was in fact one of the most challenging aspects of the retreat. Unfortunately my aunt died while I was on the last retreat and while I was devastated to find out when I came out, it also made me realise that it didn’t change anything whether I was in silence or not, which is somewhat comforting. 

Having said that I’m very aware that fear just like other more difficult emotions may well visit me while I am in solitude again this time, but I feel ready. The practice of meditation is about recognising the impermanent and impersonal nature of all emotions and I feel like last year’s long retreat certainly expanded my ability to witness without getting caught up in the stories my mind creates. I am still learning of course which is why I continued with my daily meditation practice since the retreat. 

Preparation

For the last retreat Sahajananda recommended that we meditate 2 hours daily, which I did for 4 months prior to the retreat. I was meditating one hour in the morning and an hour in the evening, which meant I would get out of bed while my lover was still asleep and I would be gone for an hour or longer in the evening when we would normally spend time together. While I think it was great preparation to be able to meditate 7-8 hours daily while on the retreat, It was difficult for our relationship as I was preparing to leave for over 2 months with no contact at all. 

This time is different as I organised the retreat myself and it’s my 2nd time, so I created my own guidelines. I decided to meditate one hour every morning apart from the last few days where I started practicing 1h30 which has felt surprisingly easeful. 

The thought of being back in the woods in my little cabin alone with all day to dedicate to practice is really exciting to me. The hardest thing as it was last time is saying goodbye to my love and to my life in Guatemala. 

Saying goodbye

Just as I said in my preparation blog last time, I really do love my life so it feels like a great sacrifice to have to leave. I love sharing life with my partner, I love our humble home, I love spending time with the kids from the community every week and I love translating for the Nana that I have been learning with. I love seeing our friends and partaking in Mayan ceremonies, I love going to the market and cooking, I even started enjoying washing the dishes in the weeks prior to my departure. I love having phone calls with my family and my friends, I also love teaching yoga online every week to the same lovely souls and I really enjoy singing mantra at Kirtan and playing the guitar at home amongst many other things. 

“Your own Self-realization is the greatest service you can render the world.” – Sri Ramana Maharshi

Yet this calling for solitude feels like something greater than myself, something I must do because I can and I trust in its transformative power. 

Just like last time I cried when leaving my partner and I imagine I may cry again tomorrow morning when saying goodbye once again, by phone this time, before heading to El Refugio Terraza de la Tierra. However I know in my heart that this is my path and I am grateful to have the courage to walk it. My prayer is that the fruits of my efforts benefit all sentient beings.

Gratitude 

Every morning when I complete my practice I give thanks to my teachers and their teachers and to all the souls who have dedicated their life to their own awakening for the benefit of all. 

Today I also want to express my gratitude for my beloved boyfriend who accepts that my path requires me to go away and be alone for some time. 

I am also deeply grateful for my dear sister Rachael who supports me and enables me to do this while she takes care of our Yoga School Breath Body Earth. If you are interested in any of our offerings please email hello@breathbodyearth.org.

I am grateful to my parents and my brother who try to understand my atypical journey. 

I am grateful for all the friends who have reached out to wish me well and I am grateful for you reading my reflections.

De-dramatize

Having said all of this I can’t help but giggle at myself, it all sounds a little dramatic when in reality it’s just a month hahaha! And while 31 days may sound like a long time to me and probably to you too, it’s only a little time in a lifetime isn’t it? Especially compared to Ramana Maharshi who spent 16 years in silence and St Anthony who spent 20 years in solitude.

Inspiration

St. Anthony of the Desert spent twenty years in isolation. When he left it he took his solitude with him and shared it with all that came to him. Those who saw him described him as balanced, gentle, and caring. He had become so Christ-like, so radiant with God’s love, that his entire being was ministry. – Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Way of the Heart

Thank you again for reading.

With Love,

Melissa

The beautiful blog picture was taken by dear student and now friend Elisa and most of the beautiful quotes I interspersed this article with have been offered by Sahajananda.